Detective Spoon meets the XFiles
by Jessa9
Summary: Heh... me and my friend wrote this... I have no idea what possesed us... R


DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything related to X-Files… they belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions, and Fox. My friend made Spoon up… we wrote this together, it's really weird lol.

Spoon case # 52 the evil hairballs

**Spoon**

This was certainly a gorgeously wonderfully beautiful day—it was -200000000˚C and blowing up a hurricane. I thought this was caused by the evil apparitions' gang- consisting of Mega Melons Monica, Kamikaze Kerrie, Lordine Kamel, and Sandry Squirrel, who was married to lord whale. There were also Lord Spitty and Lord Adumb.

X-9875-107-57654

**Scully**

Mulder came into our office with a really annoying smile on his face. The kind he gets when he just got a new, probably weird case.

"Hey Scully," he said. "You'll never guess what happened!"

"Besides the fact that there's a hurricane coming and we live in Washington D.C."

"Yeah, besides that."

"Please, spare me the suspense." I said, rolling my eyes.

"Okay. There have been reports of…" he paused for effect. "A crime-solving spoon!"

"A WHAT?!"

"A spoon, Detective Spoon to be exact."

"And you're telling me this because?"

"We're going to work with him to solve the case of the GIANT EVIL HAIRBALLS!"

"The WHAT?!"

"Oh, c'mon, Scully. This is the X-Files. We've seen weirder."

I sighed. This was going to be one long day.

**Spoon**

These devious criminals would do anything do get their pudgy little hands on one thing--- the Ersatz Diamond from the planet Xaoh

No one knows why they just do this group of archons will eat anything or person getting in their way. So Spork (my dog) and I went to the spoon shuttle! BLAST AWAY!

**Mulder**

I could tell that Scully didn't believe me, but she was going to humor me. So I took her to the shuttle that Spoon had left for us to take to the planet Xaoh, where a group of criminals was supposedly going to steal the Ersatz Diamond, the prized possession of that planet.

"We're going WHERE?!" she asked for the thousandth time.

"The planet Xaoh." I explained. For the thousandth time.

She muttered something about how I really was "spooky" as we boarded the shuttle.

"3… 2… 1… BLAST OFF!!!" I shouted. To my amusement, Scully was hanging on to the armrests of her seat for dear life. We rocketed along the previously planned course and headed for Xaoh.

**Spoon**

 Suddenly there was a loud hacking cough.

No Spork didn't have kennel cough the ship was gonna land soon

That evil noise told us to get ready cause we're coming in. But wait whats behind us… my other ship 

"Oh hi," I said over the Com-Link.

"Hi," answered Mulder.

**Scully**

Mulder was talking to a spoon. I couldn't believe it. There had to be a scientific explanation… I just couldn't think of it at the moment.

"Spoon says to tell you hi." Mulder said. He was enjoying my confusion. I knew he was.

"Tell him hi back…" I said.

"She says hi." Mulder said into the Com-Link.

I heard a crackly answer over the speakers. "Well we're heading to Xaoh. Be ready for the hairballs!"

"We will!" Mulder said. I can't stand him when he proves something and he knows I'm annoyed.

**Spoon**

Were landing I said in the speaker. The engine died out and we were held back by the massive atmospheric forces. But we got through and slowly fell to the surface.

**Mulder**

"Are you _sure_ we can actually walk around out there?" Scully asked.

"Well Spoon can, can't he?" I asked reasonably.

"He's a SPOON!!!" Scully shouted. "I can't believe he can walk at all, so why not walk around on a planet no one knew existed?!"

"Easy, Scully. Let's just get out and walk around." I said.

We left the ship, and as we did I saw a light in the distance.

"Look!" I said. "There's another ship!"

"Oh my. I never would have guessed."

"Hey, Spoon!" I called.

"What?"

"Are there more people coming? Cause I just saw another ship."

"That must be them! C'mon, we have to beat them to the diamond!"

**Spoon**

"That's them their ship the EVIL COTTONBALL (OF DOOM)." I got out my phone and called 1800wecare (the criminal hotline) 

"Hello, Lordine Kamel here," 

"Hello, are you on planet Xaoh?"

"Yes why," the deformed, mutated, genetically biased seven humped 7-foot high camel said

**Scully**

"There's a criminal hotline?" I whispered to Mulder.

"Sure, why wouldn't there be?"

I sighed and headed in the direction Spoon was going. This was getting harder to believe by the second.

We came up to a building with the word "Muesum" carved into the roof.

"That's the museum," Spoon said.

"Oh gee, why am I not surprised?"

We headed into the most heavily guarded room. These people-aliens-were all backwards! They had feet attached to their hands and heads on the toes of their feet!

"Ew era ereh ot tcetorp eht Ersatz Diamond,"

Why am I not surprised that he speaks their language? I thought.

"Yako, emoc ni." The guard replied.

"What'd he say?" Mulder asked Spoon.

"He said that we could come in." Spoon said.

We entered the room and saw only one thing- an empty case!

"Oh no! We're too late!" I said.

"No, don't worry," Spoon said. "The diamond is invisible."

"WHAT?! How are we supposed to know if it's gone?"

"Oh, don't worry. The diamond will appear when people try to steal it."

"Okaaaaaaaay." I said.

"This is so cool!" Mulder said.

Just then, something amazing happened!

**Mulder**

I was amazed! Seven genetically mutated freaks crashed through the ceiling!

"Oh… My… God…" Scully said.

"This is so cool!" I shouted.

"Phasers at low power!" Spoon said. I reached into my coat and pulled out the phaser that Spoon had supplied me with.

We shot at the freaks until they were all dead but Lordine Kamel.

Just then, Krycek walked in!

"I will steal the Ersatz Diamond!" he cried.

"Oh no! It's Krycek!" Scully and I shouted.

Lordine Kamel walked up to him, stuck an evil metal straw in his head and slowly and painfully sucked his brains out.

**Spoon**

I told Spork to release our weapon the evil radioactive hairballs were custom made to defeat villains; they stuck to them and made them do the chicken dance. 

**Scully**

After we got safely back home I thought (and hoped) that it had been a dream… but no. The only thing I could think was _What the hell did that have to do with hairballs? The only time they were used was by Spoon… How can a spoon walk? It's a spoon for crying out loud! I guess I'll never know. The only thing I can think of to do is pretend this never happened… not that Mulder will let me._

THE END


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